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I can’t feel you anymore…

You know, I missed you every second since I last saw you. When I pass by our favorite cafe every day on my way to college, I could never bring myself to enter that place again, even after being addicted to their blueberry muffins, how could I?

It reminds me so much of you.

But even being miles apart, and not being able to see you for so many years, somehow I was content.

Do you know why?

Because of hope, a hope that you are somewhere safe and sound, living your life to the fullest.

A hope to see you once again, a hope to hear from you one more time.

Although I hate you so much for not choosing me, and I hate myself more for still being madly and unconditionally in love with you, but the truth is that I still yearn for you.

I was calm nevertheless of the heartbreak because I hoped you were happy, as clearly you choose something that would make you more contented than I ever could.

You know, every year at your birthday, how I have to control the urge to call you just once, to sing to you a birthday song, but my self -respect would never allow that, and when finally few minutes were left of your birthday, I would sigh in relief that I could make it through the day, and whisper to the wind a silent birthday wish, hoping somehow it reached to you, and that you felt how much I missed you.

But even after so many months of excruciating pain. Still, whenever  you crossed my mind, I would feel this warmth in my heart, like you are here somewhere near, not far from my arm’s length.

And yes, I was tranquil.

I remember that day when suddenly my phone rang at five past ten.

Although I didn’t recognize the number,

But something felt terribly wrong.

My breath hitched, and I felt tightening in my throat.

I suddenly felt vulnerable as I picked up the call.

Startled by your sister’s sobs, I felt a shiver down my spine, goosebumps everywhere on my skin.

“Th…There was an a…accident…H…He didn’t make it”

No, my mind is playing some dirty tricks on me.

Did I even hear right? Or I’m stuck in some kind of awful nightmare.

As the minutes passed, I was still sitting there on my knees, clutching the phone close to my heart,

I was in a trance, it was too much to believe, too much to consume.

When finally I realized, it felt like someone has plunged a dagger through my heart.

My breathing became shallow, as I fell on the floor, unable to breathe, I swear I thought I was going to die, and yes, I was okay with that, a world without you is not for me to live in.

But then I saw you through my blurred vision, standing there, with a smile that didn’t reach your eyes, the same smile which you had when you walked away from me. It was that day all over again, but so much worse.

And just like that, you disappeared into the thin air.

Leaving me with this numbness.

The warmth engulfing me was long gone, with coldness creeping into my heart.

With the very first tear from my left eye, I knew I have lost you for this lifetime.

As the reality sunk in, the hope was gone.

To lose myself in your eyes, to feel your presence,

For one last time.

 

 

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